Every time I visit this path
I realize that something still isn't right.
I took the road less traveled by and still found myself still feeling lost.
This post is kinda short compared to other topics I've spoken about and that's because I was rambling and writing this out at first and just continued it on here. Just a random thought that crossed my mind and I knew I had to share it with you all.
It takes a while to learn skills. It's like learning how to tie your shoe. You finally get it after trying about 10 times. But when you get it, you got it. So why can't we use this same analogy with life? We get ridiculed for messing up once or twice and are automatically supposed to learn from that. Well, I agree to an extent. Every time I make the same mistake, I get upset because its like why can't I or why didn't I learn from before? I hate that feeling of feeling like you're a f**k up but its like, we're human and are supposed to go through things to learn and make mistakes from it. It's a little hard when you have a "perfectionist" view on life for yourself.
There is no room for those "f**k ups" when you have to do everything on your own. I was watching Scandal before and I remember Olivia's father told her "you have to be twice as good as them just to be as good as them" or something along those lines. It always stuck with me, especially being a Black woman/girl at the time, because it is true. We are already so behind in life due to slavery and being disconnected from society because of who we are, and now we have to play catch up with them, just to try and be as good or accepted by them. It sucks because we didn't ask for it, but now this is what we have to live with. I believe this is why I feel like I get hit so hard when I make any type of mistake in my life. Whether it affects me or someone else, I feel like the weight of the world is crashing down on me. It's like everyone is watching and waiting for one of us to make a mistake so that they can add another label to us. Making mistakes and being a semi-perfectionist normally wouldn't go in the same sentence, but I have learned that it is normal. Being like this, so I have learned, is a trauma response. This could be even more of a reason why I feel how I do after making a mistake, big or small. Growing up, I didn't get beaten or anything, but if something went wrong, I was to blame for it. Perks of being an only child I guess. But now that I am older, I find myself asking questions A LOT before I do anything. I don't like being ridiculed for anything because it makes me feel small and I know I'm not small in any way, literally or figuratively. I'll ask if anyone has any extra garbage before throwing away the garbage just so no one gets mad that I got rid of the garbage too early. Now, I don't know if anyone would really get upset, but I rather not find out either.
As humans, mistakes are how we learn to assimilate into the proper life paths, the proper groups of people and just learning lessons overall about life and ourselves. We have to learn, I have to learn as well, not to be so hard on ourselves or on others for our or their shortcomings. It helps us become better people, hopefully. Remember, the last perfect person was Jesus Christ, and even he probably wasn't even that perfect. He was actually crucified for being "too good." So, the moral of me referencing Jesus is to not kill yourself for trying to be perfect, because it isn't possible. Just be you, be a mess, be a hot mess, but always come back from it.
Love is light.